I now understand how hard it is being a woman free of missteps, pain, or loss as we face this harsh world daily. Those short moments of peace you spoke of can extend longer than special occasions or holidays. It can be there even when you’re stuck with those that control life itself. The lesson of putting myself first is another achievement you are here to witness. Nothing is done selfishly because if I do not take care of myself there will not be room for anyone else. Having my own back to support others is a gift for all involved. I should be allowed to pursue my own kind of happiness. Just because we may not see eye to eye on many things doesn’t mean I don’t respect our differences while being grateful for all of it. I’m just not obligated to walk your path carrying your choice of guilt you think I should carry since you’re my mom. That trigger automatically had me project anger for you not seeing or thinking the way I did. But now, I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, seen, dreamed of, or are haunted by in your nightmares to have you make those choices so easily. Every lesson you taught truly helped when needed but was also very hard to put down. Being someone else for others to love you became too heavy for me and was one of the lines in the sand between us. We disagreed but learning how to live from you caused me to unconsciously do the exact same out of comfort. The daily routine could be done with our eyes closed but I was missing my joy from every day. My happiness should never be put on hold or forgotten. And with that said please understand.
You are my mom, my first friend, my teacher, and the voice in my head at times. I dedicate my work to you since you’re the reason I’ve always written. Expressing myself is healthy and I’d rather share my experiences of finding my happiness after all that has happened in my 47 years here on earth than to live in fear. I had to realize what was going on with me to cause so much self-hatred consistently pushing away all things positive. It takes time to sort through 18 years of learning your style of viewing how life goes vs. my choices and happiness. The important of my assignment is clear. I’m still wrapping my head around standing in front of a full auditorium pulling myself together, “Hello my name is Drew.” You can almost see the unmoved members shaking their heads while staring at their phones, hands or whatever they were fighting in their heads, “Hi Drew.” The story pours out of one mistake to the next in my short speech and I feel lighter although my expectations outweighed the hype. This is where I would normally have a cigarette to calm my nerves but at the age of 45 that had to go, doctor’s orders. I made new health goals with her, so I started removing anything that wasn’t good for me. A healthier approach to life is my goal, less attention on others and more on a positive me. When major portions of your life have been nightmarish, it’s hard to see the good when it’s quiet. You start seeing negative when there isn’t, hypersensitive is the definition. (adjective – abnormally or excessively sensitive, either psychologically or in physical responses.) I’ve been told that. Feeling judged instantly makes me defensive so my cigarette was my silent protest when I couldn’t change the subject. The person would continue but my mind would be elsewhere now that my ego was offended. I knew what was wrong but to admit it, even now, still bothers me. That’s how my family wanted our relationship strings to behave, the kind of guilt where there are no days off.
Running in dysfunctional circles become the daily grind. You understand that all day means you fight negative thoughts, sounds and memories from the past while dealing with the present, right? That is tiresome and unhealthy. No wonder we can’t sleep, our mind is racing to deal with what should’ve been versus what we think we should be fighting with who we really are today. I went on for 3 years avoiding going back on stage but still having the assignment every week with my defiant refusal to say anything. Talking or writing didn’t matter, I had to do the work, let go and share at the same time. Testing the waters was great but once you feel confident some fear of what others will think sucks you back into overwhelming. Instead of dwelling, I began asking myself why or what was making me feel unpleasant. Then it dawned on me, I always want to make sure everyone else is happy, am I happy? What about my mood, does that matter? Do the consistent thoughts of others to correct things in the past, future or present events or mistakes help me be happy right now? The constant waiting for the worst to happen, does that contribute to my happiness in this minute? You should’ve heard my brain reacting to this thought the first time. WHAT the hell! What did you mean you’re included? That’s not how you get better, you need to feel guilty all the time not try to heal! I learned to be cruel with myself but give my left, right arm and both legs for anyone else to fake feeling what I thought was love.
To Be Continued…
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