Afraid for my life, afraid to dream, breathe or be myself; the need to have someone that won’t judge you is important. Marie was trusted with announcing to the world if something happened to me because I was living for something outside myself. Fear had taken over my life 3 times in my life that brought me to my knees but finally, I asked myself to have, “Personal accountability.” Though at that time, it was only words typed in a messenger screen, it was my fear of never being able to get back home to reality. She checked on me constantly knowing deep down I need her as a lifeline though she never asked. The only difference in our stories mom is that my children didn’t have to be exposed as long once I realized where my choices went wrong. Again, I feel that is another accomplishment in our history so far in this life.
The 1950s that you were born into, ’60s you grew up in and 70’s where you started raising me in allowed for another gift you gave; strength. We may disagree on many fronts but without you getting up literally after being knocked down, I see your right to be comfortable doing what you do. Just like my honesty is an acquired taste not meant for all. As a human, mother, woman, Buddhist, Christian and Lovable person; I must accept and respect your choices on all things. It didn’t come easy but now that my 46th year is ending, I’m learning to love all of myself (the good and bad), set goals, have healthy relationships with everyone including my children; if possible. And now that you have great-grandchildren and extended family that I created, sharing it is a blessing in my eyes. Everything that is meant to be will be and even though you see life in one way and I another; it doesn’t mean I cannot Love you for creating me. Understanding you may not be able to talk, speak, or acknowledge me because of your traditions and relationships.
That’s fine, Love knows no boundary and maybe one day. My faith in humanity remains strong. I know who you are on the inside and that memory is what we will work within this moment. I began to do my own personal accountability for everything I have been, am, will be, have created or ever will create at the end of my 44th year. And I can say now with honesty, 90% of my experiences were done out of reaction instead of a plan. A hard habit to break when you don’t understand why things are happening. Things were constantly overlooked, over-analyzed, mis-communicated, left unsaid, or disappointing because I learned to adjust to make others’ lives better or to see all situations as a threat. No-one should live that way, not even my worst enemy. Doing all the work to be all things causes you to lose sight of who you are period. I found myself stuck in a cycle that required me getting out of the same home I came from with the same number of children. That same path brought me to this gratefulness for your struggle. It’s not easy to be pregnant with a child once but the second time with a person who is unstable and makes you afraid. Being broke enough that it’s too hard to leave, thinking everyone will think less of me, my religion states that I’m damned, who else will ever want me thoughts that are your traditions were playing tricks on my current living. I understand now. People can say what they want but when it’s your life in danger or at risk; all tradition and familiarity disappears. What really mattered had to be seen with my own eyes before any progress can be made.
The fact that I have never seen a picture of you before being pregnant with me and your life started with my father shows how much you wanted to leave that world behind. Especially since you realized this might be your only choice to get out of the nightmare of your young life in Newport. Understandably you stayed with what you knew you personally could handle. It’s amazing how things fall into place once you put responsibility where it belongs. Therapy didn’t bring me all the way but when I felt lost and unheard, the talks I had with so many people who I consider family helped. This has been done 4 times but for the wrong reasons. I was very angry at many things trying to promote Love’s existence doesn’t work. Fighting myself every day for immolating our survival instead of being authentic to myself. I never learned to put me first in any situation. Servitude is mental slavery when every thought is for all except yourself. I can’t be free when I hear your voice tell me how to be, what to be or when while only expecting the worst. Breaking free from knowing my place, saying what the other person wants to feel safe has been difficult.
My safety and life should only be in my hands without guilt. I rejected the thought, work, and knowledge that came along with the tasks. Because it made my choices good and bad fall back onto my shoulders but with understanding and compassion. I give that blessing to you also. Without our turbulence, there is no way I could’ve maneuvered through my own created madness. The rules are no judgment, just facts, since this exercise causes for brutal honesty on where and why my anger became blindness for me. The barely functioning adult that was taking care of two people through the grace of God. My lessons weren’t done because you can’t run from who you are regardless if you currently live the in same environment, doing the same, thinking the same; there can only be one outcome. Personal accountability means dealing with the seeds of my past so it can help my present and future.
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