Define Overwhelm: Bury or drown beneath a huge mass. Defeat completely revitalized.
My relationship with the emotion Overwhelm:
I thought this one would be easy peasy since leaving the abusive relationship I created out of fear and guilt, allowing my manipulative, stretching the truth, armed robber, con-artist, only want the easy life and money children. No one’s perfect and we all work through our lives the best way we know how but there is a difference between affecting others with your actions and behavior, there comes a time when you have to let things be. The energy spent trying to make them happy and satisfied; never happened. And the emotional, physical and spiritual drain became addictive and yes expected. They claim to love but the actions prove otherwise. The less it became, the more disrespectful, the more love lacked, the extreme emotionless, lie to your face and talk about you like an imbecile to all within earshot just made the challenge more intriguing. My stubborn determination to prove “them” wrong, only made matters worse. But I’d still engage, allowing the bad behavior I hated only to feel something. Working long hours, taking kids where they needed and wanted, teach 5 days a week and taking both of my boys to as many therapy sessions as I could. I wanted them to have the floor to whatever was bothering them, especially my oldest; losing their voice wasn’t an option. Take my youngest to daycare/school where he can learn while I’m the one working and running the household, I chase my oldest son between breaks. or classes I relocated jobs from the Navy Yard to be closer in case of emergency three years earlier. The bus driver and step-grandmother were having issues getting him to behave for a week straight. They began threatening to throw him off the bus. Plus since we left Dam Neck, Virginia he has been different. A new stepfather and brother didn’t help matters but a reason for weekly family therapy, a mobile therapist at his school and home, and social worker. I opened my home to all that could help until 2002, nothing worked. Regardless how bad my life was; it was my job to make sure they each had an outside impartial doctor or social worker that could help them with the inherited bullshit of our lineage plus a safe out in the unsafe marriage I created out of fear. I was overly sensitive from the isolation of my childhood walls to staircases or pantry cemented part of my future with handling relationships until I decided to start cleansing each emotion as therapy for myself in 20 years.
But for now, I’m leaving my job to check if he’s being bullied, lying to us or testing everyone started getting on his teacher’s nerves. My control didn’t last. We graduated this merry-go-round to inpatient therapy, education, therapy plans, medication; you name it. We did it all. I had 5 people following us in and out of our home, on and off his bus from 1996 until 2002 because he found a way to get out of going to school. He wanted to hang out in rooms that held kids doing whatever they wanted for 8 hours or until a parent is called. In-patient treatment got him rewards for normal behavior and where he can just walk out with barely a warning. That is the freedom he’d been waiting for and I wouldn’t accept, so we did this dance of me running around with both boys until I couldn’t physically, mentally or emotionally. After traveling for classes a few weeks a month, I had to sleep for 2 days just to start again.
Sometimes going above and beyond is only spinning energy for nothing.
Laundry, cooking, cleaning, planning holidays trying to just make everyone happy. My family was indifferent to my being physically abused, I guess they figured the apple and tree. My then husband had a cocaine binge problem that like my father induced his mood swings. Another I just wanna be playing my video game and binge at the expense of all involved. Definitely, the apple falling right under the damn tree.
Traveling always hyped things10 times over but no matter how many therapy sessions with the three people who were supposed to learn or give love saw opportunities to get over. 3 men that would steal, lie constantly to this day and cheat or use people to get what they want at any moment. 13 years of this hell can make many quit but I had to prove my worth to these people who used what they could and could give a sent about me being overwhelmed. As long as I gave they were fine, (to this day) but I stopped playing along finally accepting their choice of life and lifestyle as men and letting it be. I will and now do live my life in peace because I can only control me and my behavior. Less weight, less pain, and less anger.
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