Define: Doubt – Undecided, skeptical, disbelieve, to suspect, fear.
Distrust – Lack of trust, confidence, suspicion, doubt.
My relationship with Distrust/Doubt: When family will sell you to the highest bidder, distrust is normally apparent in the sold. My case by the tie I was a teenager, it was important to asses the environment upon notification. If we were visiting I needed to be sure my safety was the first priority. Some places were worse than others on many levels! From the breathe out your mouth because the smell was indescribable all the way to remove your shoes for cleanliness. As promises continue to be broken on every level on these visits, Distrust and Doubt were my very best friends. If I could prevent any bad things from occurring, the better off for all involved.
Sad enough Distrust and Doubt helped me weave through the demons walking around outside, inside was a horrible wake-up call for a young child. You cannot live peacefully when you aren’t safe at home. Abuse in all forms strip the core of you leaving you fearful, anxious, imbalanced and now a teenage unaware of who they are because surviving means becoming what is necessary to keep breathing. But turning myself inside out to be whatever they wanted, didn’t make them love me. People are going to be and do what they want.
I wasted a lot of years and energy dancing around trying to get people to notice everything I would do to make them happy. Didn’t matter. So I’d doubt myself. Saying, “I don’t care! I’m a good person, they will regret it!” Lying to myself because every moment up to this point shows things to be different. So I sulk and revert back to beating myself up for being the worthless inadequate woman my family said I would be. Withdrawing from all only emphasized their words letting them win.
When you are told you talents, whatever they may all useless, won’t pay the bills or for those other people and not you. We let Doubt and Distrust win. Every time we expect anything other than trusting Love and ourselves, we are giving in to Distrust and Doubt. Whenever we believe negative things will happen to us though we truly don’t want it; it’s Doubt and Distrust making your present day, life, home, family, friends, work, gifts, heart, body, mind, and soul a hell. You don’t want to live in it but create it all around yourself.
I know better, want better and Am better. Having faith is another all day everyday reminder to unlearn with these emotions.
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