This is usually rated a 9 at all times. This is a feeling that is hard to erase.
Define Helplessness: Inability to defend oneself or to act effectively
Hopelessness: A feeling or state of despair; lack of hope.
My young life before the age of 9 is a blank. The mood was helpless & hopeless. Facing days with an uncertainty of if I’d be on the same end of the abuse that I witnessed between my mother and father. The self-hatred plus the acceptance of the mistreatment made life in the future dim. The only light was when my grandmother lived with us, I had a chance to see some happiness mixed with the crazy. After she died suddenly hopelessness and helplessness became easy and expected. Wherever I was thrown, left, or punished to be the hired help cemented the fact that if something horrible could happen to me, bank on it happening. The only hope I could look forward to was my leaving home at 18. But escaping the years of conditioning only gave way to my living helplessly and hopelessly until now. I may say it will be better and speak positive but it was still reserved for everyone but me. I began to announce it outright as a youth saying all was lost and bad luck was my friend. What else could I believe after she died? Sitting in closets, tied with anger and left to hang in the wrath of my captors/parents/friends/family.
The weight was and is too heavy expecting a different outcome with people that continue to show they do not care or Love me. It is time to let go of the hurt and learn I am able and hope and by telling my story, maybe just maybe I could help someone that is going through similar issues.
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