Rating Fear always tricky since it can incorporate other feelings. But just for Fear, I am working with a score of 8 usually these days. And for black women that isn’t unheard of with everything we push down and ignore.
Definition of Fear;
noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.
verb: afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
My relationship with Fear:
Before I entered kindergarten, I feared being hurt, feared being left out, betrayed, of the abuse I endured (physically, emotionally, sexually). I feared not having enough clothes, food, education; fear of people lying to me and about me. For my skin color, for racism, sexism, for my children, all generations after. My parents, their friends, and blood family hurting me often changed to my friends, pals, acquaintances, strangers. Of being cheated on, robbed, used, ignored, left for younger, prettier, newer, better. That I’m too nice, strong, mean, happy, sad, never satisfied, not dressed right, with too less, or too much. Smiling too big, ugly, showing my space in teeth, wrong, am I shaved/not. My health, for my mother in law, my man, his sisters or family. Am I too forward, sexy, quiet, loud, funny, corny, too shy, too talkative or not enough. Horrible writer, poet, no skills or talent. Some people (me) are not meant to be happy.
But there isn’t anything to Fear! Divine strength and power reside inside me. I need but call and He will answer! Thank you Iylana Vanzant!
Fear has been with me for a long time. It has rendered me paralyzed, empty, unable to feel me, my life or happiness. Fear had me believe for a long time I was not meant to be happy. Blowing it off like steam on a nice cup of coffee. No sweat. It faked me into believing I was strong not to complain and struggle through. It had me believe I was worthless, yet able to juggle a million and one things to get a glimpse of what fear believed happy was. The more dysfunction I accepted and blew off by placing it on my shoulders to carry became too many many times. It’s a wonder why I’ve only had 1 nervous breakdown. It should’ve been more but on that occasion, it was a wake-up call while sleeping literally and figuratively.
My soul was sleeping trying to wake me with nightmares of my true fears. My mistakes, reasons for cruelty from people who were supposed to teach Love. My definition of Love became fear. What else was there to see, hear, feel, taste or acknowledge. I was in fear’s prison for sure, my PTSD was from a long sentence in solitary confinement by choice. Yes, it mixes other ingredients but the root is and always has been fear.
Fear to speak, so I write. To sing, so I hum. To Love, so I suffer. To share so I stifle. To run so I brace for impact. To cry so I crumbled. Fear doesn’t care so I pretend the badge of fear has meaning. Someday they will see how strong I am, fear pretends to want acknowledgment yet it won’t stay to hear the applause. Fear always can find the wrong, fault, flip side of every correct thing I accomplish. Fear erases praise, compliments or even says hello. Fear introduces so many negatives the sea isn’t as deep as fear’s despair. Yet that is all I have in fear. Loney empty striving incomplete worthlessness. Fear strips you of all to the bone, exposed and broken knowing nothing of healing. A complete series of endless nothing dragging and emptying your soul.
But no more. There is no more to worry about. I’m not any of this and life is so much lighter without fear.
Thank you Thank you Thank you! I am so grateful and humbled for the grace of waking and seeing Love in me and all around me.
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