Define Defensiveness – Intended or appropriate for defending effort to prevent opponent to gain points to avoid risk, danger or legal. Liability protecting from criticism.
My relationship with Defensiveness: My relationship with Defensiveness started young. When you have to fight for your life to survive in your own family, defensiveness is breathing.
How can you not be defensive when you’re put down, “Everything you do will come out screwed up. You just need to sit and be pretty, don’t talk it will just ruin everything. You can fuck up a wet dream thinking your smart.” Aggressive in passing or in your face berating were usually the first words of each day. Starting off being seen as a double negative gets heavy after 48 years. The idea is not to grow but to scramble, misuse, show off with other people’s money, to look important in front of the people who believe the lies they tell. I have been the person on that end. You feel special, your favourite food, Tv show, friends, phone calls; all orchestrated to gain your trust. Then just as you start feeling comfortable, they tell you what they want to continue being around you. Rent, monthly stipend, food for summer, something is getting bartered for the item they want. Any person, child, or thing is negotiable in the scheme of getting by the only way they roll. If you resist them and are a daughter, things get nasty often and fast. I remind them of their lifestyle that went too far left. When you are a wild child and Philly Dog, your reputation proceeds you in many states. The “friends/customers” are revolving since many get burned out in the con game. Some people do not feel the need to provide for non-family members often and for everything. It’s only so far you can pretend when you cheat, lie and scheme to get ahead or through the next year. So defensiveness in this man, job, children, the life I inherited but chose not to entertain. That is not Love and among this is the physical, mental and emotional abandonment, abuse, and worthlessness originates.
Enough boxes opened here for now.
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