What am I grateful for today?
Deciding to forgive REALLY for all things my father did in my life that makes our relationship irreparable. The most horrific rollercoaster of multiple methods of abuse was caused by this man I had to live with because I was born into a family that is complicit. As soon as I could get away I tried, repeatedly. The first escape is a long process. Most of the abuse was sadistic punishments for disguising the rapes, experiments and grooming teaching me that since he spoiled the opportunity for getting married completely, no one would want me. He tried to break my spirit, emotions, sense of self and anything that could be positive concerning me. The molestation was my fault, the baby I had between the ages of 9-13 by him or his friends – my fault. The audacity of him having to drive to any one of his drug dealers home to make sure I am complying resulted in my head still having the crack from the cement wall it was bashed into – my fault. The aftercare needed for my head injury, childbirth, being hung on wooden beams for speaking the truth were restricted to the basements away from hospitals, doctors or the police (my aunt is a nurse) – my fault. For being left alone for months while the three of you traveled, for not looking for me when I ran away after being duct taped so I wouldn’t scream while the rest of my family enjoyed their day – my fault.
I continued hiding all of this so you’d look and feel better, (father, mother, brother – extended family). No More.
I can name everything you did despicable to me and my mother, but I have to think about how angry and sick you are to try to destroy my life. The way you trained your immediate family and grandson not to be stable from your mood swings. Living under the stairs for a summer while the rest of my family watched TV was one of many punishments you instructed my mother and brother to carry out making them cold and complicit every time. I’ve held all of these horrid experiences as my fault, shameful, and reason for not getting close to people out of fear. They may find out what I’ve been through and though I am an adult your training seeped into my own family. The dysfunction repeated and devastated every member because the “man” behaved like my father on all counts – my fault.
That all stops now. None of your hatred justification resonates the same. The forced thoughts, actions, gossip, opinions or threats no longer have a home in my life, mind, memories, being, or spirit. The hell I went through until moving to Abington are talking points for others to see that yes even when faced with monsters in your own home, there is a SAFE way separate from those who harm you for no reason. There is hope for the girl or boy witnessing a man beating their mother because he is having a tantrum. It isn’t normal for grown men to ever batter, create fear, touch or emotionally deprive you whether he is a family member, friend, wealthy potential benefactor, stranger, or your boss at your job.
No-one has the right to do these things while ripping apart sense of self, acceptance of self and any form of Love. Abusers do not change in this case because the feeding on others is your survival. You chased me through states thinking you mental hold on my guilt that I’d fall in line. That is how you feel you win but I did not because of my oldest son who is influenced by your false bravado but now he’s grown therefore I release my attachment.
Those days of having no electricity, water, food, and heat taught me you did things for yourself. Your way or highway attitudes do not make me flinch, react or come running anymore. Your mind games, negativity and vileness just remind me I shouldn’t hold your secrets any longer as a badge of shame. I’m letting this out because I now love myself and have done nothing wrong when you decided to do all these things and more to break my spirit and will that opposed you then and now. Thankfully God has blessed me with Love, mercy, and facts that our extended family know but have also been taught to hold. Family secrets that make us continued victims and rob us of our present health. That generational tradition of sickness ends here.
I wish you well, May God bless you through your life. I hope He heals your heart before it’s too late.
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