Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal: Powerlessness

Define Powerlessness:

  • The quality of lacking strength or power; being weak and feeble.
  • Inability to act

My relationship with Powerlessness began the 1st time I was awakened to an abuser threatening my life to force their sickness on me.  Laying paralyzed by fear in your bed, on your sofa, Navy base dorm room, base housing, anywhere you let your guard down to sleep in peace. Powerlessness against feeling your body, not wanting to be touched.  Every detail forced onto your energy that automatically rejects the idea.  Those who have never felt skin crawling, don’t invite it ever.  The dirtiest feeling just thinking about being in the same vicinity is enough for most humans but for these predators (they come in all forms) love seeing people squirm.  Enjoying their form of domination, torture, and cruelty.  When they are done, you are forgotten hopefully never to see again.  But those predators in family and friends.  Your journey is more difficult to survive.  Possible but difficult.

Powerlessness is earning an income to get away from those who would harm you emotionally, physically, and mentally powerless to a system designed to keep you trapped.

Powerlessness in our neighborhoods (the good and bad ones),  horrible schools built to house not teach.  Versus the great schools but still suffering with fear of being shot by classmates.

Powerlessness to feed our children, supermarkets are only in better neighborhoods.  Working 10 hour days to bring home enough to live for one but I make it stretch enough for 4.  After closing and locking my doors and window bars, try to block out gunshots, ambulances, domestic violence, robbery, drug sales all to survive and because of survival.  Powerlessness as your children grow, you slowly release them into this world with hopes they age, love and have their chosen family.

Powerlessness is serving your country in a time where single (parents) women had to leave their children home because the military insisted the female military member have military husbands to receive benefits they already earn by serving.

Powerlessness is being a service member with no one to leave your first child with other than predators you joined the Navy to never see again.  Powerlessness is trusting they are following your rules, actually praying because when you leave to keep a roof over our head, they fed my child hatred for me.  Powerlessness is raising him and knowing the influence has taken over but hoping differently.

Powerlessness is life sending me exactly what I needed to keep my parents away but it also invited violence in my home anyway.

Powerlessness is having 2 male brown children that I have to save from everything inside and outside our home.

Powerlessness is the inside and outside winning but I was able to get my boys out of dangerous areas in Philadelphia and safely away from the man I let in that abused every one of us.

Powerlessness is the time it takes to devise a safe exit for each of us.  Powerlessness is how each of them chose two extremes of the same path to leave.

Powerlessness is having two Gulf War babies raised in Pennsylvania and Georgia.  Every opportunity to avoid being like my parents, my oldest will lie, cheat, live on you and barter to get what he wants until they get angry because you stop enabling them.  My youngest likes stealing.  From his first candy bar to the window he climbed through the day I took him to the police to save him from his father.

Powerlessness is letting and admitting your afraid of both of them.  Seeing each demon I faced in their character and actions.  Powerlessness has become this phase of motherhood for me.

Instead of negative, I’m going to keep cleaning my emotions and taking time out for me after all this time.  It’s time to know me and get better daily.  I can no longer work from outside in, I need to balance me better daily.

 

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