Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal: Regret

Define Regret

  •  To feel sorry, disappointed or remorseful.
  •   Remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow.
  • To feel regret.

My relationship with regret was and has been 2-fold domination.  Mistakes I made and the horrors others have done to me out of my control & at times in full control.  Regret is the finality to several emotions but shame is at its heart.  Allowing others to intimidate your entire being always has regret lingering in the backseat making the burden and escape difficult.

Too heavy if your finances are low, too heavy if you have children, friends, a significant other, not having one; you can get so entrenched in your sorrow that your body is a curse.  If it would behave, be smaller, bigger, the right everything.  The all or nothing way of life is perfect for breeding regret.

Waking every morning regretting the baby is crying, this is the routine because once you wake up its one responsibility after another responsibility.  Your eyes bagged up the first week, your a mess now but the routine feels less challenging in a few months.  But friends and family forcing tradition and society rules down your throat hypocritically in reference to all things in your life.  This keeps you on the wrong and negative circulatory insanity train.  All aboard this 26-year detour that one choice either grows the regret or you create more yourself.  I was a pro at regret by the time I landed in Orlando, Florida.  My mind ran through them constantly but the hardest to this day is regretting not being close to my family, ever.  Even when I was living there.  My grandma died 9 years ago and it still feels fresh.

Regret laid down with me in my empty room the night after the funeral.  I couldn’t sleep.  My mind started racing with how different things were going to be now that the freedom to do as they please rolled to a stop.  Grandma put a stop to the wasting and partying at our house.

Regret was not getting a chance to say goodbye.  The places I was thrown so they could travel alone just the three of them.  So after 9 years of being alone, it naturally put a wedge between us.  They speak a different language around me since they’ve had years of, “Oh you had to be there.”  I regret they never let me know about any plans, decisions or choice until it came time to move.  I learned to pack quickly and to be ready 10 to 15 mins before the allotted time.  It avoids temper tantrums and bruised egos.  But out of all the dysfunction of these 9 years, my regrets of betrayal, the regret of disappointment regret of lies told to me for selfish reasons; it prepared me for 21 years of repeating this life I was born into.  It gave me the courage to change the generational mental stuckness letting people beat you down to nothing you’ve ever seen or want to know.  If you let it.

I regret losing my voice.  I’m glad it was never lost and it found it’s way back like me.  Back home and grateful for it all now that my voice has come alive.

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