Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal: Insecurity and Self-Conscientiousness

Define Insecurity:

  • Not sure or certain; doubtful.
  • Inadequacy guarded or protected unsafe
  • Not firm or fixed; unsteady lacking stability; troubled
  • Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety.

Self-Consciousness

  • Aware of oneself as an individual or of one’s being, action or thoughts.
  • Social ill at ease.
  • Excessively conscious of one’s appearance or manner.
  • Showing the effects of self-consciousness; stilled.

My relationship with Insecurity and Self-consciousness:

Insecurity and Self-consciousness were apart of my outlook on how life should go from a young age.  Knowing “Place” as a woman and growing up in the 70s and 80s had you wanting to never be like our parents.  Our fathers wouldn’t respect our minds so they prepared us for becoming just the woman, everything we wanted to avoid.

See reality was and still is that men got away with disrespecting women.  Domestic Violence never helped the woman since men held the police jobs and the man would be spoken to and asked to calm down.  Then they would deal with the “hysterical” woman with weight, ageing and reproductive changes.  While men were and are still excused for emotional avoidance, toxic masculinity ran rampant in my family and friends circles.  Infedility fell on our shoulders.  The rejected feeling of being replaced lied to, manipulated and add to the rotation of male chauvinistic rules.

We are supposed to stay calm though he cheats and lies.  Stay calm while you are ignored, treated like old rags, set aside, beaten because time has passed and you don’t look like your 18 anymore. You give the only true gift in this world, a family but negative men play games with women’s security and confidence.

When you aren’t taught, celebrated and respected from birth.  48 years go by and you finally realize I’m not alone.  There is something wrong with accepting shit dished out all in the name of male entitlement.  Treating the ones you love like they don’t matter should never be celebrated or passed on.  We all matter.  We all should feel like no matter where we go, we are whole, accepted just as we all.  The honour of loving your being instead of what they could “get” without total participation.

So now some men cry about being placed on blast but we are human beings that you make feel unsafe, insecure, self-conscious from shaming, comparing, ignoring, criticizing, hating yet using to get through life.  Too selfish to ever admit, change or do better so you remain stuck and angry.

48 years is a long time to start but I’m glad I did.  What about the women who get weighed down by the demeaning feeling of insecurity?  The instability of being picked apart by an ass who instead of communicating; they criticize, nag and remain silent to hurt you.  Making another human feel they’ve done something wrong when you secretly:

  1. Don’t want to be in the relationship.
  2. Can’t admit this is how you learned so you, therefore, terrorize those you claim to love.
  3. Have multiple women so you don’t have to be real, open up, be honest or truly love.

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