Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal: Rejection

Define Rejection:  -To refuse to accept, consider, submit to, take for some purpose or use.

-To refuse to heal, receive or admit.

-To refuse as Lover or spouse; obsolete, cast off, throwback, repulse, spew out, immunological rejection,

not wanted, unsatisfactory, not fulfilling requirements.

My relationship with Rejection:  Every definition listed were reasons or examples of how my home life was, what I had to conform to, made to understand; it was happening because I wasn’t good enough to entertain.  One doesn’t realize there are so many forms, degrees, temperatures, measures, luck of the draw, conditions, types, and ways of rejection.  There are people worse off than me, was another excuse I’d use along with praying the person I’m involved with will not reject me though it was expected.  And there is a difference.  Learning to expect rejection like a Septa bus isn’t a great thing to have as a habit or way of life.  Struggling with the lies rejection makes you believe by force or fear.  The enjoyment of feeling like a rebel but feeling every part of the familiar family separation, gender-biased inheritance, you aren’t better than your brother lecture, actions, and dismissals at home, work, and school.  Though grown and far away the definitions brought each blow tot he surface again.  The connected envy of families I’ve met along the way helped me string together a real life outside the rejection based relationships I’ve gathered in the past and present.

I normally write this in my journal and then when I get time or are stuck on a emotion like I am today (insecurity/self-consciousness), I type it to share my experiences of going through the work of actually healing these negative emotions.  A trigger happened both times and I want to share:

It was Christmas time, I think I was 11, at the age where young girls bodies, minds, and spirits are changing drastically.  And they may feel unsure of themselves  And in my case, it was hit or miss for reasons too deep to touch on here.   At home, let’s just say when my grandma died so did any affection, love or inclusion.

So the idea of dating, hormones, talking, speaking or relating to people was done outside, with friends or whomever I was around.  Anyway, there was a boy that seemed like he was interested in me so I bought him a very nice sweater.  When we exchanged gifts and I got a sample pack of perfume, I was like ok.  Lesson learned but it wasn’t until I got back home did it bother me.  My family laughed at me; calling me stupid, and gullible.  The joke lasted until the following holiday.  It didn’t hit me until now, I still do it expecting more in my head than reality insists.  Its always been a letdown and is the source of imbalance that I’m healing each time I come across the emotion rejection.

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