Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal: Unworthiness – Worthlessness

Unworthiness:  Lacking in excellence or value; poor worthless.

Worthlessness:  State of being unimportant and useless.

My relationship with Unworthiness/Worthlessness:

When you told that being a woman makes you unremarkable, stupid, emotional only good for making money from my body so the family can survive has no bearing on the feeling once it is internalized.  I knew I didn’t matter to them and the world when I woke up alone in a different state unable to move from my waist down, in severe pain with a million thoughts and fears running through my mind but the loud (male) voice telling me I’m worthless to them.  I rebelled, caused issues or said no to the wrong person.  By the time another hour crept by I had to crawl to the bathroom unsure why my body aches.  Doubt sat in the bathroom with me asking the normal song of how who and why parade on repeat.  Once I get into the bathroom, the smell of blood and open wounds exposed how badly bruised my legs were; no wonder I had to crawl.  The fact of my drawing a blank would later be no surprise.  But for now, a bath will help soothe the severe aching in both black and blue legs.  I had plenty of time, more than a year alone, to figure out what happened.  I was in my Aunt’s house in Chase, Maryland.  They divorced some time ago and we were only stopping by and boom I’m crawling on the floor.  The unworthiness started setting in as the days passed without my parents and brother.  All I have is this monster sized dictionary to write by hand by the time they returned.

How unworthy do you have to be for your family to drop you and not care that I’m hurt, breathing or survived the day?  It wasn’t until four months later when my stomach grew and motion inside did the entire situation become clear.  How, why, fear, shame then anger flooded my solitude on a 10-acre property where no one could hear me with Amtrak trains running all day and night behind the house.  I had no idea how to escape, get home or what to do as each month with no one to explain what to expect from myself or how they’re gonna react.  And though none of this was my fault; all I could hear was the berating session once they do show.

As I got closer to being due, everyone came home unmoved seeing me pregnant.  I know that all movements and body tension is being detected by a person itching to catch a whiff of anger.  I went along with them pretending like nothing happened and everything was normal.

When you learn to feel worthless, apart of your lessons are learning to speak when required but even then a response could be dangerous so I didn’t move from my seat on the sofa.  Its amazing what you remember after the fact when you are safe.  My mother brought me tea out of the kitchen.  Within an hour I was knocked out and oblivious waking in the family car heading north on 95 sore, in pain and childless.

Unworthiness is being afraid to ask, worthlessness is family that to this day knows but pretends they don’t.  Unworthy is my family taking my second born because they think they will get child support I was due from his missing in action father.  When they realized I wasn’t getting any; my estranged son learned how they treated the unworthy and partially why they weren’t welcomed in our home.

 

 

 

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