Definition: Numbness – Incapable of action/feeling emotional feeling. Loss of sensation.
Disconnected – Not connected, separate, incoherent.
My relationship with Numbness/Disconnected emotions:
A person can be groomed in numbness so deeply that life goes by through the motions with a rare occasion of real feeling, it automatically causes a rejection. The mouth may say one thing but inside, nothing. By this point, you don’t know how. The older you get the more you wish for the opposite of numbness.
Those traditions, statues, expectations feel like a block of ice, dense, heavy and cold. The more you try the lack of knowledge makes it hard to do anything else consciously or sub-consciously.
After my grandmother died, it became evident my thoughts and emotions about my body, its surroundings or feelings were not relevant. Her hope chest disappeared from our room along with all of her things on the day we buried her. Without my protector, I knew life would change. The degree hadn’t crossed my mind. This is when disconnectedness came one night when my father provoked an argument with both me and my mother because he couldn’t be with his friends. The house was destroyed from his violent mood swing. Later that night as I stood in the dining room corner as told when the doorbell rang. Two of my father’s friends came over to visit. My mother’s face was the last thing I remembered before that night’s abuse commenced. That night disconnectedness became necessary and second nature in order to survive.
When a young child realizes any move could result in serious/harm, they try to find a way to ensure the dark side won’t leave you broken. Though I had no clue how I was going to escape from a family that is willing to sell their child down the river for selfish reasons. Disconnectedness comes from acceptance of it’s you(me) against them that hurt you. Disconnected/Numbness comes from hearing family continue living life happily knowing you’re in the pantry or under the stairs beaten, bruised and in need of assistance. That wall begins in the dark, feelings of being alone, bitter and afraid.