Definition of abandonment
1: The act or fact of abandoning or being abandoned. To give up, discontinue interest.
This emotion to start to cleanse isn’t easy doing or writing it for this journal entry. I have still been doing them practically daily but relaying my personal relationship with abandonment had me pause. I chose prior feelings that mixed everything for real. Healing is hard when you need time to understand the absolute authentic worthiness of yourself, no apologies. This emotion will need a few rounds before clearing. Awareness is the most important step towards accurate self-reflection.
The truth of this lesson of belonging and surviving the world as a team was never around unless the benefit was pointing toward my parents. Being abandoned for days, weeks, month and 1 year would’ve been soul-crushing. Some come into the world alone. Abandonment touched me emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. I was the one to pick up, babysitter, always punished, worthy of their presence, Love or effort. You feel lost when you are left alone to sort feelings, actions and moving through the world. Those who locked me out of homes, were violent and threw me down (literally) into basements or worked me into self-hatred still feel that they have won. Abuse is an abandonment of Love. And though I will always understand how hard it is for women to leave with their children. Choosing to sacrifice one or raise one child over the other while telling me I’m not worthy of any Love is the core of my feelings. I can still see many horrifying examples of being left to a predator by my parents for money friendship or barter.
Though my extended family knew everything, that I was missing, left out at night, never looked for when I ran away, absent from summer vacations; no one bothered. They only pretended while I was in front of them. My grandmother was the only person that stood their ground for my benefit. So when she died out the blue, our room was picked clean of her except for my dresser. I guess whoever it was thought the stuff was meaningless, but it was all I had left of her. The paint color even felt different. I was 9 and this was the introduction to abandonment. So yes I have continuously felt like everyone would abandon me, lie, leave, steal, take, disown me. Therefore my relationships always were doomed because my thoughts of Love are tainted with memories of people putting masks on to hide the real reason for even talking to me.