November 21, 2018

Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal Day 4: Loneliness/Longing

This nerve stands at 8 consistently.

Define: Loneliness:  Sadness because one has no friends or company

Longing: Yearning desire (having or showing)

 

My relationship with Loneliness/Longing:

My loneliness began before I was 6.  Not understanding at a young age, why my family why they chose to make me feel lonely.  But as the years passed I could see the more I tried the more they showed me isolation.  From the punishments in closets, pantries, basements, left at strangers so they could vacation without me.  I was and am the intruder.  Months and years would pass by without a phone call, card, hello, or are you ok when they knew I had broken parts and bruised areas.  I only hear from them when money is involved or they want to cause drama so they will feel they have control, still.

Strangers became family throughout my life.  And because I couldn’t understand my longing for family connections, I would change myself so I would be neglected, rejected or laughed at; just like my brother and parents did often to see if I’d get mad.  This later was offered while still feeling lonely because I was not myself.  And hiding my past and not wanting people to see how they treated me left me by myself a lot.  Still, to this day, it is very hard to see personal me time as anything else but a lonely experience.  My bouts with loneliness became expected along with being let down emotionally.  My family still live not accepting, caring or want to be a part of my life.  Expecting only what they can get (money); they used it as bait when I needed help as a single parent.  Using me while teaching my son that though I gave all the money for them, I wasn’t worthy of their hearts, love or time.  It paved the way to him being repulsed with me unless he needs money to look good, just like his father and grandfather.  They rather live a lie than face the truth.  It took 27 years and my 48th birthday to realize there was no acceptance unless they received what they wanted.  That is not loving and will never be love.

 

Symphony

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