November 17, 2018

Personal Accountability Negativity Release Journal Day 5: Helplessness & Hopelessness

This is usually rated a 9 at all times.  This is a feeling that is hard to erase.

Define Helplessness:  Inability to defend oneself or to act effectively

Hopelessness:  A feeling or state of despair; lack of hope.

My young life before the age of 9 is a blank.  The mood was helpless & hopeless.  Facing days with an uncertainty of if I’d be on the same end of the abuse that I witnessed between my mother and father.  The self-hatred plus the acceptance of the mistreatment made life in the future dim.  The only light was when my grandmother lived with us, I had a chance to see some happiness mixed with the crazy.  After she died suddenly hopelessness and helplessness became easy and expected.  Wherever I was thrown, left, or punished to be the hired help cemented the fact that if something horrible could happen to me, bank on it happening.   The only hope I could look forward to was my leaving home at 18.  But escaping the years of conditioning only gave way to my living helplessly and hopelessly until now.  I may say it will be better and speak positive but it was still reserved for everyone but me.  I began to announce it outright as a youth saying all was lost and bad luck was my friend.  What else could I believe after she died?  Sitting in closets, tied with anger and left to hang in the wrath of my captors/parents/friends/family.

The weight was and is too heavy expecting a different outcome with people that continue to show they do not care or Love me.  It is time to let go of the hurt and learn I am able and hope and by telling my story, maybe just maybe I could help someone that is going through similar issues.




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