Unlearning while healing peacefully and sanely…..
I’m going to start with this year since someone may go through any of the hard issues I deal with daily on top of the normal life ups and downs.
This year began quietly as I slept the new year in with my brain running. I found early in life how to deal with A.D.D. when aware but these tricks don’t work when you try to sleep. This is all relates to my not healing properly. And the battle with Loving yourself first commitment with compassion is harder than it seems to a person who lived most of her life completely unaware. The definition gives no depth to the meaning of Love. “Personal Accountability has started kicking in all around me. I can’t keep hiding behind helping people while ignoring myself.
As a woman, then a black woman; you learn how much you’re valued by how much they listen to you. Yep, we’ve all been the object of attention for both good and bad reason or situations. But I can honestly say I wouldn’t be me if it were not for these pieces of time that shaped my life into me.
I know where I went wrong, why and each was made for the same reason. Feeling unloved and rejected. Every relationship I have had was morphed out of my old pattern of being left out in my own family. This was the insane circle I’ve been running in forever. First time admitting it aloud though.
Personal Accountability is apart of Committing to Loving myself, AS IS. No apologies, no guilt, no projection; just acceptance. A 40-week adjustment from reaction based living to Love-based living. You’d think it would be easy, yet this is the year to get healthy, real and back to the healthy me. (Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally.) The degrees and forms of how all four manifested will be explained but scrubbing the layers of perpetuated hatred off was necessary to survive peacefully. As women we dress, paint, put makeup to cover and conceal all blemishes of life of those we love but we carry the weight of every step ourselves.
There has to be a place where no one is used, a place where people accept you and still want to be around in way only love knows; peacefully and unconditionally. Those who want the best for you and nothing is necessary but you. Life is better with you around happy in the place your standing and for everything I have now.
When your brain was trained from an early age, how to act, move, be, think. The noise from them at you so much, turmoil is normal. Drama is every day, draining your energy. Sun up to sun down someone, anyone can go off on you in any fashion. How do you prepare for that? How do you grow if you never see the grass grow? Being in a constant state of ready causes damage to your alarm system (your body), eventually. Being in a sense of why is this happening to me for stretches of time is shocking to the system. But if you have them randomly, literally. Your structure changes. By people explaining, harping on how you should be while they are hurting you. Your outlook changes. If you were excluded from Love, sharing, affection, and warmth; your reactions adjust. When you put all of these things together in the early development years, you may begin to understand how difficult the struggle is to get through the day let alone be a successful writer (to me).
So instead of sugar coating my story for those that I’ve placed on pedestals higher than actions deserve. I allowed titles to rule my common sense, I allowed the same stumbling blocks faced in my youth power over my life. I allowed hatred to enter my front door while my spirit was wearing armor to fight my battles until I stopped reacting and remember my pledge to myself to find better.
2018 came in with reality determined to wake me up in all of my relationships, including the neglected relationship I have with myself. I was battered, rejected, betrayed, hated, taken advantage and now fighting for my life health wise. How long am I going to do this? When was the last time I did things for me first? When was the last time my happiness existed that did not include another human being? Yeah, I know. Even then I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just wanted to be safe at 18, I had no idea what love meant really. All I knew was the separation reactionary prayer for prince charming every second to save me from everything – really. That mirage came to an end. Its been my faith in God and what he gives me to work with that I can be grateful.
The months kept passing by until we got to Mother’s Day. My health was waiting for me to acknowledge my not being in control. Holding on to hope for those I expect to love me while losing sight of the ones fighting every day with me near or far. Turning 48 changed my outlook on things. Witnessing people remove their masks when they felt I ran out of funds for them. People pretending to like or love me to get enough of what ever they need, then they can tell me how they really feel. Just knowing me was horrifying after I stop handing out.
It was time for me to take my hands off the reigns and breathe. Accepting my entire body, the scars inside and out, gap tooth tribe, hair to toes, feel good in my skin again. The escape usually was found when I could steal or find some quiet. A place where I could slow things down around me so I could breathe, feel good, and be happy I’m alive. And put the feeling of not being enough away for good. Letting my truth be just as it is, accepted, important, mine.
To Be Continued.
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