I can have back the ability to say I’m me and doin’ life my way. A life with Love is the only way I ever wanted.
After a long journey of disappointing deceit, you become cynical. If nothing wrong happens it’s a good day type of thinking has to be taken in order to accept the cesspool of hatred in all forms there to disappoint in one way or the other. So I’d go somewhere that felt better. Right – Only makes sense, leave and start up all over BUT with the same cynical mindset. Everything is, of course, new, the people, area, place – you can go on for ions but as far as you’d like. Then life starts again as you get like your favorite store, person, restaurant, drive to the new job or school. Everything exactly how you want it except the shoe hasn’t dropped. So you begin to get edgy, unnerved by the anticipation of what you know will be disappointing because it was your choice in the first place. Doubt shows its self, always does it’s a never-ending form of fear we have to put in each word, thought, or action. Then it gets to the point where your wonderful place becomes a jail because the only peace you can find is confined, closed and temporary. Because though you may have shut your door (cell), doubt is right outside it knocking or you can feel it coming at any moment. So you rush your sanity moments until they are no more and left with doubt. So its time to go because being doubt isn’t how you’re built.
And in that instant, you drop it all to another, another, and another with doubt in your suitcase. But when your sanity moment finally gets the chance to ask yourself why do you carry the doubt and everything it has to go with it? Things change drastically. Questions of why can’t I start, I’m grown, this is my dream, but it’s my life begin to rattle in your mind deeply. As your eyes are opened to seeing without a doubt and all it entails the term changes to life is so short what am I doing this for? Why am I moving this with me knowing it will make me unhappy? So you stop while life continues. And anyone that has done this and says they haven’t had to grieve their own selves isn’t telling the entire truth. Dying on the inside a little to reconnect with you is a process, I am doing it now. The only difference is I have realized that when I made that choice at such a young age when life seemed and didn’t get better, the cycle stopped at a point for me to make a choice of letting all doubt go away for good. But like I said doubt doesn’t come alone it has fear and other debilitating friends that are all the same choice and the term remains the same – What for? So I stopped like I said and this life opened up for me and I must say it is still overwhelming every second. To be able to wake up and choose a better you than the yesterday; the loving, open, wanting to experience life as you – it’s breathtaking. Minor decisions become very easy in a different light of love which was my choice.
A smile becomes easier when trust, honesty, clarity, faith, happiness, and peace replace all others. And that is why I can say there isn’t a need to run anymore, chasing something that isn’t there, go away from the problems we face because they follow until we solve them. Until we can take care of ourselves by representing, believing and defending “me” then what can you be doing? By defining myself, to myself and adjusting myself is the only way I can allow maturity of any kind. So yes I left you, hurt you, changed your lives dramatically but I accept all of that as mine and offer a more dependable, loving, caring, steady, unafraid, gracious me. Someone who understands your reluctance with ease, I’ve come back to the roots that fit me and will remain. So take all the time you need as we all walk down this new road I call being. Loving every moment because it is new, that gift is so wonderful to finally realize and share.
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