Including yourself means I’m responsible for all actions, thoughts, and feelings. It wasn’t easy. Expectation still habitually strikes without notice. Testing things on me at first was a hard concept to grasp. Finding gratitude in every day while remaining cool as possible is one thing but making a point to understand how each thing is making me feel, tense, ache, want to get away to quiet; it varies. Afraid for my life, afraid to dream, breathe or be myself the need to have someone that won’t judge you were important. Marie was trusted with announcing to the world if something happened to me because I was living for something outside myself. Fear had taken over my life 3 times in my life that brought me to my knees but finally, I asked myself to have, “Personal accountability.”
Though at that time, it was only words typed in a messenger screen, it was my fear of never being able to get back home to reality. She checked on me constantly knowing deep down I need her as a lifeline though she never asked. The only difference in our stories mom is that my children didn’t have to be exposed as long once I realized where my choices went wrong. Again, I feel that is another accomplishment in our history so far in this life. The 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s that you were born, grew and started raising me in allowed for another gift you gave, strength. We may disagree on many fronts but without you getting up literally after being knocked down, I see your right to be comfortable doing what you do. Just like my honesty is an acquired taste not meant for all. As a human, mother, woman, Buddhist, Christian and Lovable person; I must accept and respect your choices on all things. It didn’t come easy but now that 46th year is ending, I’m learning to love all of myself (the good and bad), set goals, have healthy relationships with everyone including my children; if possible. And now that you have great-grandchildren and extended family that I created, sharing it is a blessing in my eyes. Everything that is meant to be will be and even though you see life in one way and I another; it doesn’t mean I cannot Love you for creating me.
Understanding you may not be able to talk, speak, or acknowledge me because of your traditions and relationship. That’s fine, Love knows no boundary and maybe one day. My faith in humanity remains strong. I know who you are on the inside and that memory is what we will work within this moment. I began to do my own personal accountability for everything I have been, am, will be, have created or ever will create at the end of my 44th year. And I can say now with honesty, 90% of my experiences were done out of reaction instead of a plan. A hard habit to break when you don’t understand why things are happening. Things were constantly overlooked, over-analyzed, mis-communicated, left unsaid, or disappointing because I learned to adjust to make others’ lives better or to see all situations as a threat. No-one should live that way, not even my worst enemy. Doing all the work to be all things causes you to lose sight of who you are period. I found myself stuck in a cycle that required me getting out of the same home I came from with the same number of children. That same path brought me to this gratefulness for your struggle. It’s not easy to be pregnant with a child once but the second time with a person who is unstable and makes you afraid.
Being broke enough that it’s too hard to leave, thinking everyone will think less of me, my religion states that I’m damned, who else will ever want me thoughts that are your traditions were playing tricks on my current living. I understand now. People can say what they want but when it’s your life in danger or at risk; all tradition and familiarity disappear. What really mattered had to be seen with my own eyes before any progress can be made. I was taking on everyone’s emotions, feelings, and thoughts as the key to how my life went, down to breathing correctly. When the assignment of having a journal came up, I kept thinking of all the horrible things that happened to me turning into a one-sided negative tale. That never sat right with me. I’ve tried writing this story many times; my friends heard me say for years, “I’m in the middle of writing or it will be finished soon.”
It only led to writer’s block because I wasn’t healed or looking at life healthy for myself in any place. It took a while for me to feel good about doing things for myself that benefit me positively. I started walking again but after 2 years of doing just that, I began going to things that positively took me out of my comfort zone. I joined classes at the gym instead of putting on my earphones and zoning out everyone to feel protected while getting use to my 10,000 step a day goal. Another first in my 43rd year, I began setting and following through with the deadlines of my personal goals. These didn’t happen overnight, I’m still making yearly goals while having compassion for me and everyone else dealing with the daily things that trip us up in this life. I had to see that everyone experiences life differently and until you know your audience, a true conception of how to deal with anyone is just hit or miss. You may get it right but how often does that happen without relating to them on a human level first.
If you don’t want to know how that person got to be this way, his/her traditions, their history even the slightest information helps to understand why this person is reacting to you at any given moment. You have no control over what they do but how you treat them may change how they respond. Understanding and compassion helps while healing yourself because you start realizing we all want a few things as human beings. That’s when I realized the lack of control I had in any relationships. It was New Year’s Eve, it had been at been more than 20 years since I sobbed so hard. The tears came for all things. I was sad for a year, I was grieving longer for many reasons and didn’t realize it. This was the ending of continuously bringing grief into my life voluntarily. This put another kink into my writing my story. How can it get across without the juicy details negative books usual shed light on to get grand recognition?
To Be Continued
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