Roger (Jaye’s brother), called our other cousins to get the funeral arrangements for our Uncle George. We wanted flowers sent to the home or burial site. But they went back to some money left for the family inheritance by our grandmother. No one has ever seen or verified that any will existed, but they are the greedy side of our family which is the reason we don’t talk normally. So, Roger calls his sister to tell me what happened. Understand that Jaye and I have our routine, her physically calling again in less than 2 weeks had me bracing for the worst. We gave our greetings and she cut our banter short asking me to listen for a minute. She started telling me about her brother’s conversation with our gold digging family when my father’s name came up out the blue.
Hearing her next sentence, I stopped her to clarify and she repeated, “He said Uncle Francis was feisty as ever.” She could hear the anger in my silence. If there was a list of unspeakable thoughts and actions he has done throughout my life, this was the final straw. Christmas came around with the traditional sharing dinner and gifts with friends and family. After everyone had the holiday spirit, the adults gravitated into the kitchen happy to toast the old year goodbye with hopes for a better New Year. The group shot of Tequila went down rough like recent events in our lives. We all had some form of life lesson or wake up call to comprehend. How do I relay mine to a sane group of family that don’t quite understand how far my people will go to prove a point? Meanwhile, I didn’t acknowledge the weight of grief of forgiving and forgetting anything in the past. Midnight struck on the 31st as silence hung heavy in the house, I laid in the bed in my room alone with the Tv playing while I cried was the official end to the holidays of 2014. My sleep was disrupted, and my entire body ached feeling more drained daily.
(We can see some choices can either lead to joy or down roads no man/woman want to voluntarily venture down. The awareness to say how the hell did I get here? Then be willing to really look and ask yourself about the choices you’ve made both good and bad, the answers start to show themselves. The truth is a bitter pill to swallow and unfortunately can be a place of distraction when you want to avoid reality. This life is ours to make. The joy or sadness, huge or small, is all on us. Watch what you say because it may come true. Life is under your control, if you ask, you may see come around one day. That isn’t easy when you hear everything opposite Love all day every day. And yes, there are plenty of books out there that say the same thing, I agree and have read many of them. Thank you, thank you by the way; not a day goes by that some lesson doesn’t help me. It was time to take responsibility for myself and realize not loving myself destroys all surrounding life. The next cold morning in January, I opened my computer to these adjusted steps.)
Admit I was powerless over my addiction to fear and negativity, my life has become unmanageable.
There is a power greater than myself and Love can only restore my sanity.
I choose to turn my will and life over to Love as I understand God (Love).
Make a search fearlessly on my moral self
Admit to God (Love), ourselves and other humans the exact nature of wrongs.
Ready to have God (Love) remove all defects in my character.
Ask God (Love) to remove all my faults.
Make a list of all I hurt and make amends.
Be direct with amends except if they could hurt themselves or others
Keep taking inventory of when I am wrong and admit it.
Seek prayer/meditation to improve my conscious contact with God (Love) as we understand. Praying for only Knowledge of God’s (Love’s) will for me and the power to do so.
Convey this journey to all who could benefit and continuously practice steps to Love in all my life’s situations.
Then it came to me. Write letters saying what’s necessary to end the attachment, it doesn’t matter if the person reads it or not. The choice is to let go of everything. Explain how the negative situations, thoughts, and feelings between each recipient and myself need to change; starting with forgiveness. The assignment is to heal with the ability to help someone else. My heart goes out to anyone struggling with a person, situation, tradition, family members, friends or loves because we only see one view; the one that pisses us off. The choice was easy once I could visualize holding the letter in front of you or see you opening the thick hand-written envelope sent from me.
Continued in Dear Mom…..
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