Personal Accountability 2/3/18

(One of the songs kept me sane until I met my NM angel that set me free) – B lyn: love you for life.

Isn’t it funny when a person wants to re-engage after they realize you are no longer playing games?  I start here today because this use to be a tactic my parents try when they feel it has been long enough without making their presence known.  It usually begins with one of four things:  1. News from family or family friend that is meant to aggravate things and play with your mind.  2. Want to brag about themselves while trying to make you feel less important since I am a woman.  3.  Remind you of the past by repeating the same scenarios to keep you off balance.  4. Money.

My family will continue using these steps until I stop playing along.  Then I know the ego is in the room when I’m greeted with anger, so I’m opting out.  The mocking turns dark with yelling and spewing horrible thoughts of the past.  I can’t say I’ve never fed into it and went ballistic, nope not gonna lie.  But when I see the game I usually give the person the benefit of doubt.  Then after they come to me with the four items or buttons they push, I stop.  There is no need to repeat myself.  I’m trying to be positive and all you spew is venom, everything has a season.  It’s not cold when you need self-care.  The situation is not benefitting your health or positively growing with you it is up to you to weed your garden.

I said I would share when I get this way to let those who are being tormented with the past, there is an off button.  Your sanity matters.  You did the best that you could in this situation.  No one can stand in your shoes so the constant berating yourself or from others is unnecessary and mental abuse.  You must respect yourself first in order to have others respect you.  Now for some, it is easy to understand that concept, I’m glad you are here to help us that had a different experience.  There are women that were taught to be walked on, the guilted or shamed for being herself when there isn’t anything new under this sun.  Those who are blindly blamed because dealing with the truth is too hard.  The unfortunate ones that live, speak and tell the truth when the family wants to silence them to keep up appearances.  The untrustworthy, outcast, hurt, broken who stood up alone and made a peaceful existence despite the hatred.  To the ones who close their door at night alone because those close to them see them as a financial source instead of a human being.  An entire society of those who don’t fit into the docile woman passed down mindlessly.

I get it.  You are none of these things and truthfully, they aren’t either.  The issue hasn’t been about you the moment you were asked to go down memory lane in anger.  That never works.  Especially when the judge is not aware why or how the accused came to that specific choice.  Do not let other people make you feel bad, disgusting, alone, ugly, less than.  They know they can’t unless you allow them in your head which is why they continue to try to get at you even when you walk away.  Anger takes many forms; as a survivor of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse.  My offenders no longer have control like that and it pisses them off daily.  When you stop playing and wish them well, they may gather more people to yell at you.  It doesn’t matter.  You can have peace of mind through this.  Understand what they must be going through to make them twist themselves into such painful anger.  Once you see the suffering they could be experiencing, you can only hope for better for them and yourself.



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