What am I grateful for today?
Deciding to forgive every one that hurt me physically, emotionally and tried to hurt me spiritually and energetically. But to get to the root and source I would have to REALLY forgive my father for the negative trauma in my life that makes our relationship irreparable. Because he was 1st and because of him, I’ve struggled with the concept of love.
The initial lessons about yourself and love lessons we should get from family, he took and twisted so I learned how to love backward. In my life love always hurt, lied, stole, took sides, punished, ranted, belittled, compared, used, cheated, manipulated, abandoned, hated, disowned, damned, set up or cursed. If it didn’t it wasn’t real. It took forgiveness and understanding to bring my mind to see Love never hurts anyone or thing; people hurt people. That man put me through some horrific rollercoaster rides of hurtful methods of abuse ever imagined. He ruined many lives because my entire family is silently complicit out of fear and greed. As soon as I could get away I ran, repeatedly.
He tried to break my spirit, emotions, sense of self and anything that could be positive concerning me. The sexual abuse was mixed with belittling brainwashing that ingrained that it was all my fault. If I hadn’t been born the baby I had between the ages of 9-13 by him or his friends – is my fault. The audacity of him having to drive to any one of his drug dealers homes to make sure I am complying with “house rules” resulted in my head still having the crack from the cement wall it was bashed into – my fault. The aftercare needed for my head injury, childbirth, being hung on wooden beams for speaking the truth were restricted to the basements away from hospitals, doctors or the police (2 aunts were nurses) – each one my fault. Living under the stairs for a summer while the rest of my family lived happily were lessons that you’d hoped would spoil the opportunity for me to have any relationship, praying no one would want me. Therefore, you could continue to control the mind and purse strings. I continued hiding all of this so you’d look and feel better; father, mother, brother – extended family. No More.
Instead of naming everything you did despicable to me and my mother, I think about how angry and sick you are to try to destroy that many lives. Those days of having no electricity, water, food, and heat so you could party taught me you did things for yourself. Your way or highway attitudes do not make me flinch, react or come running anymore. Your mind games, negativity and vileness just remind me I shouldn’t hold your secrets any longer as a badge of shame. I’m letting this out because I now love myself enough to know I’ve done nothing wrong to warrant all these things to break my beautiful spirit and will that opposed you then and still does now.
Thankfully God has blessed me with Love, Grace, Mercy, plus facts that our family is still dealing with daily. Secrets that make us continued victims and rob us of our present health. That generational tradition of sickness ends here. I’ve held all of these horrid experiences as my fault, shameful, and reason for not getting close to people out of fear. Afraid they may find out what I’ve been through and judge me because I allowed it for myself growing up and I allowed it to seep into my own family as an adult – still my fault.
I left my marriage at 19 so you couldn’t use my in-laws then you chased me through many states thinking your mental hold on my guilt would make me fall in line; it hasn’t changed. I actually thought you wouldn’t harm your grandchildren so I trusted them to be safe in your care while I serve our country but there’s no limit with insanity. I refuse not only for myself but because of my grandchildren whose father is influenced by your false bravado. My oldest is grown and I respect him enough to let him make his own choices if I like them or not. It doesn’t change how much I love him or how I treat him. It doesn’t matter what he does or says, that never changes; for either of my sons. They both know what I taught them versus what they’ve chosen in their lives. I set the example for my boys by living my life the way I always have, truthfully. By praying that they each find their way, for their safety, and loving them the same as the day I met them individually but equally; a lesson I thank you for.
None of your hatred justification resonates the same. The forced thoughts, actions, gossip, who loves who more games, opinions or threats no longer have a home in my life, mind, memories, being, or spirit. The hell I went through until moving to Abington at 14 can help others see that even when faced with monsters in your own home, there is a SAFE way to separate from those who harm you for no reason. There is hope for the girl or boy witnessing a man beating their mother because he is having a tantrum. It isn’t normal for grown men to ever batter, create fear, make people tiptoe around to soothe egos, touch or emotionally deprive you of love whether he is a family member, friend, wealthy potential benefactor, stranger, or your boss at your job.
No-one has the right to do these things while ripping apart the sense of self, acceptance of self or any form of Love from anyone. Abusers like this do not change in this case because of the constant feeding on others to maintain their survival.
May God bless you through your life and I hope God’s grace heals your heart.
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