Reflective Spring Cleaning

Disconnected

Definition of disconnect
transitive verb
1: to sever the connection of or between
2: dissociate 1 are disconnected from meaningful relationships

intransitive verb
1: to terminate a connection
2: to become detached or withdrawn disconnects into dark moods

On January 20, 2018

Of course, I knew the definition but seeing it made the 1st decision to write about the feeling.  So I began pondering it then chose to put it away.  If it pops back up its telling me to pay attention to it.   Well, the next time would be March 22nd.  I kept recruiting support pictures of the idea shown to me differently so I left the web page open for a while just staring and avoiding.

Fear

Usually comes into play when I don’t want to accept the concept because that would mean implementation for my personal life before I pass it on for those that may need it from my point of view.  So on March 11th while I’m sitting in church another connection became clear but fear kept me silent until today.  It was only one word in the story of Adam and Eve that jumped at me that day.  Snake.  The evil talking to Eve causing her husband Adam to listen to her having the ability to speak to the reptile.  They were told they could be “like” God in eating from Knowledge.

Which is the fall of us all, becoming disconnected from our true self.  When we believe we are set apart from, better than, special or entitled we forget we already have everything equally.  This new language/separation becomes our ego.   The lie, the most important judgment, the idea each of us lacks in never ending forms, the secluded ever diminishing self-worth, the pure blindness to our true inherited humanity.  The disconnected.

We’ve been there, we are there, pray to stay away from there but every morning our choice to either hear the ego where we can expect nothing but fear, doubt, and hatred.  Or do we listen, remember, and live presently with Love guiding us toward our personal happiness. The belief that we can be like our Creator is definitely an ego problem.  It causes us to turn our backs to love completely.  We choose to wear as masks to hide until we no longer recognize ourselves as being apart of God’s kingdom or able to create from the shared starting point we all share EQUALLY.

How many years have we wasted disconnecting from our jobs, family, life, thoughts, routines that years can go by in a blink of an eye?  We think we know better than any Authority.  We put ourselves in the judgment seat.  Say who we like, who is acceptable, who is to blame, if it isn’t benefitting the chosen then there’s nothing to talk about.  The damned aren’t included in reaping any benefit.

Yep, that’s what I said.  A lot to digest all at once.  Bringing the idea to how it applies to my life is where acceptance delayed my progress.  See I blocked so much pain for years that it began taking a toll on my body, spirit, and mind.  Understanding disconnected with my immediate family isn’t a stretch, I shrug it off instead of dealing with the situation.  Noticing and dealing are two different things.  Watching while judging never solved any of my issues nor did my choice to aggressively cut ties with anything toxic.  Thinking as long as I’m disconnected, it will just poof, be better. Please do not believe that.

Since I’ve bee discussing my accountibility in my healing process.  I have to be honest on all things.  I have to be honest on all things.  Disconnection for me started in a methodical slow pace rules and others reason become guidelines to me as a child.  My classrooms were any where I was dropped off, my actual school and my own home.  Out of the three, school was easiest for me to navigate because I had gotten use to attending any school in many states, at any part of the normal school year.  Disconnection thrives in these situations but there is always a glimmer of normal, if you pay attention.

It takes time and has to be done deliberate with no expectations or regrets.  There will be times negativity would be an easier choice since some like me can survive in chaos but would rather have peace.  You just don’t turn off the guards and safety nets you’ve consciencely and unconsciencely for good reason.  Those fairy tale monsters became real people in our lives one way or another.  But if you are reading this, you made it through the worst, now its time for healing ourselves compassionately.  Some will say its selfish to focus solely on you especially if your a mom.  This is one time for healing that has to become a necessity like brushing your teeth.

When you are recovering from Ego/Fear/Traumatic led life, disconnecting is 2nd nature since it may be the reason we are still alive and breathing.  Living to fight another day the way we choose positively is hard work on top of the emotional, physical, spiritual strength that is needed when our lives are on consitently moving rollercoaster. I see now how my choices for improving my life to get happiness was for good reason.  The lessons I’ve learned or witnessed remind me how blessed I am.  Everyday when you see your flashbacks, experience your nightmares, wake in pain from years of stress, feel drained from trying to satisfy everyone but you; please remember to apply the same amount of compassion you do for others to yourself.  EQUALLY!

Everyday will not be rosy but living in reality loving myself is better than twisting ourselves into another person completely different than real; isn’t worth your health.

Namaste,

Symphony

Copyright © 2017-2020 T.Drew&Assoc. All Rights Reserved. You may copy and redistribute this material so long as you do not alter it in any way and the content remains complete, credit is given to the author, and you include this copyright notice and link. http://phillyzsymphony.wordpress.com/

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Personal Accountability “No More”

2/16/18

What am I grateful for today?

Deciding to forgive REALLY for all things my father did in my life that makes our relationship irreparable.  The most horrific rollercoaster of multiple methods of abuse was caused by this man I had to live with because I was born into a family that is complicit.  As soon as I could get away I tried, repeatedly.  The first escape is a long process.  Most of the abuse was sadistic punishments for disguising the rapes,  experiments, and grooming teaching me that since he spoiled the opportunity for getting married completely, no one would want me.  He tried to break my spirit, emotions, sense of self and anything that could be positive concerning me.  The molestation was my fault, the baby I had between the ages of 9-13 by him or his friends – my fault.  The audacity of him having to drive to any one of his drug dealers home to make sure I am complying resulted in my head still having the crack from the cement wall it was bashed into – my fault. The aftercare needed for my head injury, childbirth, being hung on wooden beams for speaking the truth were restricted to the basements away from hospitals, doctors or the police (my aunt is a nurse) – my fault.   For being left alone for months while the three of you traveled, for not looking for me when I ran away after being duct taped so I wouldn’t scream while the rest of my family enjoyed their day – my fault.

I continued hiding all of this so you’d look and feel better, (father, mother, brother – extended family).  No More.

I can name everything you did despicable to me and my mother, but I have to think about how angry and sick you are to try to destroy my life.  The way you trained your immediate family and grandson not to be stable from your mood swings. Living under the stairs for a summer while the rest of my family watched TV was one of many punishments you instructed my mother and brother to carry out making them cold and complicit every time.  I’ve held all of these horrid experiences as my fault, shameful, and reason for not getting close to people out of fear.  They may find out what I’ve been through and though I am an adult your training seeped into my own family.  The dysfunction repeated and devastated every member because the “man” behaved like my father on all counts – my fault.

That all stops now.  None of your hatred justification resonates the same.   The forced thoughts, actions, gossip, opinions or threats no longer have a home in my life, mind, memories, being, or spirit.  The hell I went through until moving to Abington are talking points for others to see that yes even when faced with monsters in your own home, there is a SAFE way separate from those who harm you for no reason.  There is hope for the girl or boy witnessing a man beating their mother because he is having a tantrum.  It isn’t normal for grown men to ever batter, create fear, touch or emotionally deprive you whether he is a family member, friend, wealthy potential benefactor, stranger, or your boss at your job.

No-one has the right to do these things while ripping apart sense of self, acceptance of self and any form of Love.  Abusers do not change in this case because the feeding on others is your survival.  You chased me through states thinking you mental hold on my guilt that I’d fall in line.  That is how you feel you win but I did not because of my oldest son who is influenced by your false bravado but now he’s grown therefore I release my attachment.

Those days of having no electricity, water, food, and heat taught me you did things for yourself.   Your way or highway attitudes do not make me flinch, react or come running anymore.  Your mind games, negativity and vileness just remind me I shouldn’t hold your secrets any longer as a badge of shame.  I’m letting this out because I now love myself and have done nothing wrong when you decided to do all these things and more to break my spirit and will that opposed you then and now.  Thankfully God has blessed me with Love, mercy, and facts that our extended family know but have also been taught to hold.  Family secrets that make us continued victims and rob us of our present health.  That generational tradition of sickness ends here.

I wish you well, May God bless you through your life. I hope He heals your heart before it’s too late.

Good Luck!

Namaste,

Symphony

#Metoo #NWADV #Timesup #RoseArmy

 

You May Ask…..

You may ask why I send pictures, words, thoughts of hope, possibilities, and Love.

  • I know how it feels to be pushed aside
  • I remember the feeling of unwanted
  • Heard the harsh words of anger and confusion
  • Fell victim to loneliness and despair
  • Bore children out hate and shame
  • Felt chills as molesters, assaulters stole pieces of my personality.
  • Understood the beatings as something I did.
  • Wore unaccepted through tearful moments after being close to death being left for months with monsters.
  • Moved with the confines of mental slavery for others prosperity
  • Answered the blows to ugliness, jealousy, and pain
  • I have smiled the wonder recovering in blood-soaked water with no options
  • Bore the burden of others fragile ego, giving until stripped naked bruised, loveless, fearful hurt body.
  • Get flashes of horror den homes to frightening from the outside let alone having to stay sane while living with them for months.

I have seen all of these things and more yet in the morning, I am able to watch the sunrise in peace.  The angry, shaming, hateful noise we hear from the list plus more I imagine can slowly be silenced a bit more when I find how I’m gonna approach my day.  Through all that in my head before 6 am.  This why I share I’m struggling daily with these thoughts and emotions.  Burt sharing them openly without fear of hurting the abuser is no longer an issue.  Neither are the people who orchestrate the abuse from others onto their kids for money.  This is one of the depths of destruction happening every day to human lives.  The conditioning to accept yourself as usable is not acceptable.  It leads to domestic violence in the next generation because we repeat though we so direly don’t want to.  Two sides to every coin/choice.  Some heal others hurt.  I chose to share, educate, Love and have compassion for myself, you and everyone that read this.  We can give ourselves compassion, we made it this far.  Now you can move forward knowing someone is cheering you on through the hellfire around us.

Namaste,

-Symphony

Copyright © 2017-2020 T.Drew&Assoc. All Rights Reserved. You may copy and redistribute this material so long as you do not alter it in any way and the content remains complete, credit is given to the author, and you include this copyright notice and link.  http://phillyzsymphony.wordpress.com/

Symphony’s Journal Donations

T.Drew & Associates access donation for upkeep of phillyzsymphony.com self-help site,

$1.00


violence against womendomestic violence 2

#NWADV #RoseArmy #MeToo #timesup