Reflective Spring Cleaning

Disconnected

Definition of disconnect
transitive verb
1: to sever the connection of or between
2: dissociate 1 are disconnected from meaningful relationships

intransitive verb
1: to terminate a connection
2: to become detached or withdrawn disconnects into dark moods

On January 20, 2018

Of course, I knew the definition but seeing it made the 1st decision to write about the feeling.  So I began pondering it then chose to put it away.  If it pops back up its telling me to pay attention to it.   Well, the next time would be March 22nd.  I kept recruiting support pictures of the idea shown to me differently so I left the web page open for a while just staring and avoiding.

Fear

Usually comes into play when I don’t want to accept the concept because that would mean implementation for my personal life before I pass it on for those that may need it from my point of view.  So on March 11th while I’m sitting in church another connection became clear but fear kept me silent until today.  It was only one word in the story of Adam and Eve that jumped at me that day.  Snake.  The evil talking to Eve causing her husband Adam to listen to her having the ability to speak to the reptile.  They were told they could be “like” God in eating from Knowledge.

Which is the fall of us all, becoming disconnected from our true self.  When we believe we are set apart from, better than, special or entitled we forget we already have everything equally.  This new language/separation becomes our ego.   The lie, the most important judgment, the idea each of us lacks in never ending forms, the secluded ever diminishing self-worth, the pure blindness to our true inherited humanity.  The disconnected.

We’ve been there, we are there, pray to stay away from there but every morning our choice to either hear the ego where we can expect nothing but fear, doubt, and hatred.  Or do we listen, remember, and live presently with Love guiding us toward our personal happiness. The belief that we can be like our Creator is definitely an ego problem.  It causes us to turn our backs to love completely.  We choose to wear as masks to hide until we no longer recognize ourselves as being apart of God’s kingdom or able to create from the shared starting point we all share EQUALLY.

How many years have we wasted disconnecting from our jobs, family, life, thoughts, routines that years can go by in a blink of an eye?  We think we know better than any Authority.  We put ourselves in the judgment seat.  Say who we like, who is acceptable, who is to blame, if it isn’t benefitting the chosen then there’s nothing to talk about.  The damned aren’t included in reaping any benefit.

Yep, that’s what I said.  A lot to digest all at once.  Bringing the idea to how it applies to my life is where acceptance delayed my progress.  See I blocked so much pain for years that it began taking a toll on my body, spirit, and mind.  Understanding disconnected with my immediate family isn’t a stretch, I shrug it off instead of dealing with the situation.  Noticing and dealing are two different things.  Watching while judging never solved any of my issues nor did my choice to aggressively cut ties with anything toxic.  Thinking as long as I’m disconnected, it will just poof, be better. Please do not believe that.

Since I’ve bee discussing my accountibility in my healing process.  I have to be honest on all things.  I have to be honest on all things.  Disconnection for me started in a methodical slow pace rules and others reason become guidelines to me as a child.  My classrooms were any where I was dropped off, my actual school and my own home.  Out of the three, school was easiest for me to navigate because I had gotten use to attending any school in many states, at any part of the normal school year.  Disconnection thrives in these situations but there is always a glimmer of normal, if you pay attention.

It takes time and has to be done deliberate with no expectations or regrets.  There will be times negativity would be an easier choice since some like me can survive in chaos but would rather have peace.  You just don’t turn off the guards and safety nets you’ve consciencely and unconsciencely for good reason.  Those fairy tale monsters became real people in our lives one way or another.  But if you are reading this, you made it through the worst, now its time for healing ourselves compassionately.  Some will say its selfish to focus solely on you especially if your a mom.  This is one time for healing that has to become a necessity like brushing your teeth.

When you are recovering from Ego/Fear/Traumatic led life, disconnecting is 2nd nature since it may be the reason we are still alive and breathing.  Living to fight another day the way we choose positively is hard work on top of the emotional, physical, spiritual strength that is needed when our lives are on consitently moving rollercoaster. I see now how my choices for improving my life to get happiness was for good reason.  The lessons I’ve learned or witnessed remind me how blessed I am.  Everyday when you see your flashbacks, experience your nightmares, wake in pain from years of stress, feel drained from trying to satisfy everyone but you; please remember to apply the same amount of compassion you do for others to yourself.  EQUALLY!

Everyday will not be rosy but living in reality loving myself is better than twisting ourselves into another person completely different than real; isn’t worth your health.

Namaste,

Symphony

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