January 12, 2018

Personal Accountibilty Growth 1st session for 2018

Me:  Oh, I didn’t forget that I must tell you why I’m cutting texts and emotions that involve my son and my family.  I know I’ve been saying it but I understand now, they are cold

I’m not and I lose because I love being and they use and do shit for approval by hurting people.   I don’t and it hurts my emotional and physical health.

That is not working with my goals and life or what I am creating.  I am in a place of peace that by no means is perfect, but I can grow me authentically with no restraint and by doing that I have started a journey of and surrounded by love.  I’ve done a lot last year clearing the decks and levels I felt needed mending (physically, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  But I wasn’t being honest about the very thing I want.  Pluse, I know it will not happen because cold people don’t feel.

That isn’t my fault, job or responsibility but I took it on thinking maybe one day they will see how great I am.  Everyone else loves me; Why can’t you?  I felt bad thinking after ALL I’ve gone through with them, I’m still faithful.

Thankfully, I am wrong by only seeing the bad of letting go.  It’s healthy to drop the leaves, dwell within through the worse times only to bloom later more beautiful.   I don’t have to change when I leave them alone, I am happy and I don’t loose anything by doing this.  I gained and have peace of mind daily.

Friend:  Absolutely! It’s not worth YOUR stress. Stress is the #1 reason that symptoms get worse with these types of illnesses

You can’t avoid “all” stress (as nice as that would be), but why allow yourself to be stressed by things you don’t absolutely have to

it’s not your fault that they’re miserable people.   You’ve shown love even through being treated like shit, that COULD have softened their hearts, but it didn’t. Not your problem

Me:  It was in my DNA that family comes first and they are the only people you can trust but I have found the opposite.  My family is you and everyone else that I’m involved with that accepts me to the bones.

Today I released it when my cousin out the blue said oh your mom is cold sweetie.  she’s was that way before you and still is, it had nothing to do with you.  My brain went wow and took off for two days.  Everything I couldn’t explain came clear.  And now I’m not mad.  It made me myself inside.  I feel like I took a huge step but this time my body is relaxed, and my mind is clear.

Friend: Yep, family isn’t blood, it’s who’s been there

That’s where you need to be

Me: Exactly plus my heart told me where to go and I’ve done a lot in the 5 years here.  I can’t see me anywhere but where I am and in your family

Weight lifted.  Worry about me for this year and let God do the rest

I’m even talking to my partner better…enjoying the silence instead of repeating the dram life I was used to.  For me to recognize it and it not affect my body or give a twinge of pain is progress

Friend: Absolutely

Me:  I have stopped jumping too when he comes into a room.  I didn’t realize how far gone I was or am.  It’s not bad but thinking of when you lost yourself after the motherhood I had, it’s an achievement that helps everyone I encounter because I know how it feels not to be loved.  No one should feel that, ever.

OH WAIT!  Why is the universe confirming it all day today.  On the radio, Steve Harvey closed his show with “Cutting people off close to you and the guilt we feel doing it.”  Girl I was like he is talking to me.  NO BS

#Timesup #metoo



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